Tag Archives: Circus

Thoughts

Trapped by a thought!
Trapped by a thought!

How is it possible that a phrase can get stuck in your head? Like a song that you wish you could stop singing in your head. The phrase is there banging to the beat of its own honesty.  All you can do is think it over and over again until it inevitably expresses itself in words.

The phrase in my head I read in a glimpse, as I was watching a video on YouTube of all places. It was a  fantastic video, and the message was I Am, and who hasn’t contemplated what finite groups of messy things compile themselves to create their existence.  I do it all the time. So why did this phrase jump out at me? Why won’t it leave my head?

The phrase is: I am trapped in a brothel of clowns and loneliness.

Now on first observation, the fact that it mentions clowns will grab my attention because I really have an uncomfortable feeling around clowns.  They are just creepy to me, and they must be hiding something behind that mask of paint.  I, for one, do not want to know what it is. But, on the other hand, I don’t want them anyway around me.

 

Stupid Clowns Always Bothering Me!

Stay away from me clown!
Stay away from me, clown!

Clowns have bothered me since I was a child, and I went to the circus with my family. These clowns were wandering through the stands doing “clowny” things, joking with the people who laughed along, encouraging him.  I was a timid kid, and this clown started asking me questions, like where was I from, so he could yell,  “Anybody else here from your town.”  I had seen him do it and was absolutely petrified to talk to him, he kept picking on me, and I eventually gave up my town name. Afterward, the clown said, “There, was that so bad?”

In my mind, I answered, “Yes, it was.”  for these reasons.

-I was scared to tell him where I live because he might come to find me.

-I thought it was a waste of time because I came from a small town, and even at a circus, I would know if someone was there I knew.  

– I believe that clowns are like ghosts, wearing perpetual smiles that mask a desire to do great harm. These apparitions would appear from nowhere to haunt me.

That phobia by itself was enough to bring this phrase life of its own in the movie in my mind. But that was only a part of it.

Emptiness In the End

Good Question
Good Question

Now back to the phrase, it also describes the way I have felt about much of my life. Even though you don’t feel or look lonely on the surface when you look beneath, into the depths, there is a truth that reveals itself when you are honest.  All of these people around me everywhere, yet they are all just players.

As Shakespeare said, “All the world’s a stage,
And all the men and women merely players;
They have their exits and their entrances,
And one man in his time plays many parts,
His acts being seven ages.”

I have often wondered about how the play of my life would look, incredible highs, unbelievably devastating lows, some boring times you would gloss over, and I think the bulk of the show would be my incredible experiences with love.  I was in love three times in my life, encompassed years, and each I guard because should anyone know the depths I was willing to feel, they might only show me pity because each was irrevocably destroyed and disregarded. So all that is left is the empty spaces of the places they once possessed in your soul.

At the end of such things, there is a feeling of loneliness that can’t be compared to anything else, and although we are playing our part with others.  As you wait around in the bar of life waiting for that next love to come along, that feeling of emptiness subsists at least quietly in the background, like the music setting the mood.

So here I am thinking, “I am trapped in a brothel of clowns and emptiness.”  Reliving those emotions of what I was irrationally afraid of and having the realization once again that what is gone will never be replaced.

Happy Birthday Helen

Helen Vinal Hilton
Say Happy Birthday To the Greatest Grandmother In History

Today is March 2, 2018, which is not just another day on the calendar, it is the day that my grandmother, Helen Vinal Hilton was born. She would have been 96 this year.

I am sure that most people think great things about their grandmothers, I was fortunate to have two great ones, and to have a positive relationship with both.

Now they have both passed away, there are certain times when their memory comes to my mind more strongly than others, March 2 is one of those days for me.

To give you a little background about Helen, she was without a doubt the sweetest, kindest, most encouraging, loving, and funniest person I have ever met.

We always had a special bond since I can remember.  I have vivid memories of her playing games with us when we were young, you name it we played it, cards, board games.  She always made sure there were things for us to do when we visited with her.

I remember her taking us to movies, to visit Santa Clause, and to the Circus.  (I never liked clowns, and probably wouldn’t have survived and enjoyed the circus if it wasn’t for her. )

One of the most incredible things, my siblings and I all remember about both our father’s parents was the unquestioning welcome they always gave you when you showed up.  I would never have considered ever calling to see if they were home, or giving them any warning at all, I just showed up, as did my brothers and sister.

Not once did I ever feel like it was an intrusion.  They were always, truly, happy to see me and we always had a great visit.  They usually involved cookies, but we always could just talk about things.  What it was like growing up for her, what World War II was like for them, what various members of the family were up to.

It seemed like we always stayed connected to relatives we didn’t see.  Very often through those conversations.  When my Grandfather was alive, he would chime in as well, and after he passed, Helen and I talked more and more about life.  I valued those conversations then, but treasure the memory of them now.  She was a great lady, great grandmother, and a great friend.  I wouldn’t have traded her and her memory for anything else in the world.

So on this day, I am taking a moment to remember, and send some of the love and attention that Helen always gave to me, back to her.  I hope that she knows that no matter whatever else she did in life, she was the Greatest Grandmother In History!

Even though she has been gone for over 15 years, my memories of her and all of her acts of kindness and her melodic laugh live on in my heart.  Happy Birthday Grammy! How do can someone ever say thank you for all that you did and the great example you set for all of us who loved you.

Thankful for the gift my angels gave me.

-Everlast