Tag Archives: Back Of My Mind

Looking for You

Do you Let Your True Self Shine?

Do You Know?
Do You Know?

I have had to pause to ask myself about my path quite often. What makes each of us unique? Let me tell you what I think. Each of us is born with unique talent or skill that is ours alone. It is given to us at birth, and we need only to follow it to find our purpose in life.

Life isn’t ever that easy, though. From the moment we come into the world, we are met with limits and expectations from others.

Sometimes the limits come from a place of love, like a parent guiding their child safely, and sometimes they come from a much darker experience.

It matters little where the limits come from, and they cause us to be ashamed of who we are and what talent we have.

These “would have’s” and “should have’s” of life make you shy away from your true self, pretending to be something more acceptable. Some who experience abuse early on in life never really get to see their authentic self, making it much harder to find.

Looking For Me

Are You Looking For Me?
Are You Looking For Me?

I have been hot on the trail of my authentic self for much of the past two years. It has been a slow and sometimes scary chase. It all began almost two years ago.

When I realized that I didn’t know anything about life, I was not happy, and like many people hadn’t been happy in a long time.

There had been moments of extreme happiness, and I enjoyed people, but the inner feeling of joy escaped me. I had resigned myself to think that this was how you felt in life, empty and bored.

I was waiting for the clock to run out. However, life had other thoughts, and events reminded me that I wasn’t always this way.

Dreams were a vital part of my youth. My imagination guided me in almost every adventure I had every day, and I dreamed of everything from playing for the Red Sox to racing horses.

I believed that everything that I thought of could happen, and it was just a matter of getting a little older for me to do all of those things. That person was my authentic self, the true me. I was gifted with the ability to dream vividly, and it seemed life was determined to make me forget that.

The Cover-Up

cover upOver the years, the feelings of trying to fit in, not rock the boat, and be “normal” made those thoughts move from the front to the back of my mind.

Finally, they were forgotten, neglected, and abandoned as I got older. I was an adult, and there was no place for dreaming in adulthood.

It was like knowing a secret that you couldn’t remember, but you knew it was a good thing, and if you could connect with it, then all would be well.

Life, however, moves in, and the job, the relationships, and the expectations all jump on top of you and push that authentic identity far back into your memory and may never let it out. Like you are asleep and can’t wake up.

Waking Up

wake upI am not unique because I think others have gone through some traumatic events and are shocked by the malaise of life.

I started to remember it piece by piece, and it is still coming back to me. Like waking from a slumber, you begin to experience life differently.

Each of us is born with an authentic self with abilities meant for us alone. Some people are right to them their whole lives, and others never see their authentic selves again.

Most people spend their early life forgetting and the second part of their life trying to remember. It doesn’t matter who you are or what age you are; there is a unique person inside you that is a mere alarm clock ringing from waking up.

Do you know your authentic self?

“Authenticity starts in the heart.” Brian D’Angelo

“Authenticity over everything.” Anonymous

“If you’re your authentic self, you have no competition.” Anonymous

“Don’t trade your authenticity for approval.” Anonymous

“Honesty and authenticity are a big deal for me.” Scarlett Thomas

“Authenticity: The courage to be yourself.” Anonymous

“Be fearlessly authentic.” Anonymous

“Authenticity is magnetic.” Anonymous

 

Letting Go

 

burningFire is an element that represents many things to many different people. To me, it has a symbol of purification. This is because when I looked into the fire, I saw the future ahead of me and the past was left behind.

The Significance of the Fire

There needs to be a bit more explanation than that I suppose.  In life, there are people who come into your life and cause only a ripple in the large tangle of life’s experience. Then there are those that are destined to leave a deep emotional crater, that you are destined to carry in your life.  How much and how long you carry it is up to you.

I started the fire for purification purposes. It needed to be done, a weeding out of cluttered possessions that served no purpose other than to remind me of things that were gone. As long as I held these things, there was the hope in the back of my mind that they would somehow summon those ghosts from the deathly slumber of their existence. It was time for a funeral, it was time for purification.

A Picture is Worth…………….

fire footage
Pictures burned as memories drift into the sky, never to be seen again.

The pyre I started was solely for me to observe and as the preparatory flames burned I said a silent goodbye and started to cleanse my existence of those memories. It was the pictures that went first.  Each happy moment of fake smiles and skin deep beauty were at first singed and then ever so slowly erased from existence.  As they went all of the lies, jealousy and foolishness went with them. Watching them go one by one was fascinating. Playing back entire years of events.  Then wiping them and their cursed impact away.  As the last fake image of yesterday disappeared into the either, candy swirled emotions of relief and fear engulfed me.

Possessions Mean Little to Me

campfireThen it was time for the things. Things that at one time held a vat of feelings and memories of special moments that will never be lived again. Knowing that there was a beauty in the world was great, but knowing that beauty can cut you deep and leave you with nothing but scars and disappointment. Onto the fire went the every single thing that had ever been given or held any attachment whatsoever.  Some of them burned well and caused the fire to burn ever higher.  Some did not, there was a bottle from a special occasion, that only the label disappeared in the wall of flame.

Your Words Showed Their Value

Eyes on FireLast and not least were the words. Words are empty when the emotions that once supported them. Now they are like the crack of a whip every time you read them and realize that they are no more. Let them go, place them in the fire.  Read one final time and destroyed forever.  That is the way of relationships that are born in the fire. They are often ended by the fire. How else could it possibly be?

The cleansing was over, the end had come. The fire went out, the past was gone with its last searing growing ember. Never to be mentioned again in conversation, but the scars remain, not only from the past but from the first moment I looked into the fire.